just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize