I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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