I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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