i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
