Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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