the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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