can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
