just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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