are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
