theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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