My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
