what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
