My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize