my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Randomize
