I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
