you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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