I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
