My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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