so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
