But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
