U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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