He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
