i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
