when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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