btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
