i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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