i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
