My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
dude. I can hear the air.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
