I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
