I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
