doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
how does that bad decision feel?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
