I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
