I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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