there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I deserve this hangover.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
