New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
