hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
