clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
