my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
