Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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