I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
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