Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Im part way to drunk.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
