she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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