i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
