fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
