plz talk dirty to me
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize