I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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