Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
