my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize