Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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