I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
