What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
