I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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