did you get engaged???
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
