i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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