I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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