Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
