Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
