i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
