Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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